I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
