I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
