She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
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