3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
