Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
