If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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