once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
