she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
