Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
