I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
