life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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