Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
