his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
