I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
