dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
