There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
