Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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