we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
