Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
