mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
sarcasm needs its own font
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
