some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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