hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
