Please, let me fuck your mom
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
