I wish I could punch you in the face.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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