if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
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