I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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