Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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