Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Please, let me fuck your mom
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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