I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
