everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
