I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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