no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize