I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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