I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
