i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
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