i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Operation Purity has been aborted
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
