Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
