I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
