you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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