I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
