All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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