Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
