I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
