We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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