I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
