I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
