we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
this is an emotional support booty call
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize