You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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