my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I'm too high and old for this...
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
