how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize