I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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