there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
