pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
