Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
