The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
