The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
