turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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