I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
