how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
