don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
no, he came in my armpit
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize
